Joshua H
NDE
Greyson Scale: 20
#33140
Experience Description
This experience happened during a medical procedure for a large kidney stone. I underwent extracorporeal shockwave lithotripsy under general anesthesia. My last memory before the event was being wheeled into the operating room, loopy from the IV sedative I had been given.
My next memory was brief but vivid: I woke to the pain of a needle being passed through my lower back into my kidney to inject dye. I vaguely remember trying to strike the urologist. Stronger anesthetics were administered, but I had an anaphylactic reaction that led to cardiac arrest and asystole for about eight minutes.
During this period of asystole, I became aware that I was no longer bound to my body. I watched the scene unfold from near the ceiling – my body on the lithotripter, the anesthesiology team working frantically to revive me.
Then I realized I could leave the room. The instant that realization occurred, I entered what I can only describe as a vast, cosmic realm. I felt as though I was floating in space, but it was not ordinary space. There was an overwhelming, all-encompassing sensation of love, compassion, peace, and complete acceptance – a profound oneness with all existence across past, present, and future.
There was no pain, no fear, no discomfort. Language was irrelevant, time did not exist. I was everything and nothing at once – I cannot explain it more clearly than that. I did not see loved ones or beings, but I knew I was once again part of a vast, unified consciousness.
Around me were colors unlike anything in the physical world: plasmic energy, undulating, alive. These were colors beyond the physical spectrum, impossible to describe – only reminiscent of pinks and blues, but not truly those colors. I sensed I was home – the place from which I came before birth, and the place to which we all return. I knew instinctively that love was the force binding it all together, not just a feeling but a universal law, a force like gravity.
Suddenly, I was being forced back toward my body. I found myself once again at the ceiling of the operating room, watching the staff restart my heart. I did not choose to return – in fact, I strongly did not want to. But the moment my heart started, I was pulled back into my body.
The next memory I have is of a nurse slapping my face and demanding I wake up. I finally managed to angrily cry out, “I’m back!” I was furious, confused, and irrationally enraged.
In the days and weeks after, language felt alien and disconnected. I knew details about myself and my life, but they no longer felt like me. My past memories were there, but I couldn’t connect with them. My name didn’t even feel like my name. I questioned my sanity for months. I asked my doctor to rule out mental illness, and he assured me I wasn’t mentally ill, but I remained unconvinced.
I had never used psychedelics before my NDE, but afterward I felt instinctively guided toward them. Eventually, I experimented with psilocybin, though I am not recommending this to anyone, and it unexpectedly helped me integrate the experience. Through it, I began to make sense of what had happened and slowly rebuilt my sense of self and purpose.
This August marked eight years since my NDE. It remains the most profound experience of my life. But the aftermath was brutal. For at least two years, I struggled daily to reintegrate into the physical world. It felt like rebuilding myself from scratch.
The gift in that struggle was the chance to decide what to carry forward. I could choose which beliefs, conditioning, and principles to keep, and which to leave behind. The person who died in that surgical theater is not the same person who lives now. My entire worldview has shifted. I now see compassion, love, and the interconnectedness of all life as the deepest truths, and I try to live moment to moment with the awareness that life itself, which is this experience, is the meaning. My NDE changed my entire life.
Background Information
Gender
Male
Date NDE Occurred
8/3/2017
Near Death Experience Elements
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event?
Yes, Surgery-related, Heart attack, Allergic Reaction, While under general anesthesia, CPR was given (cardiopulmonary resuscitation), Clinical death (cessation of breathing or heart function)
How do you consider the content of your experience?
Entirely pleasant
Did you feel separated from your body?
I clearly left my body and existed outside it
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness?
More consciousness and alertness than normal, It felt more real and true. I felt connected to a vast and eternal consciousness, not just my own.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?
During my experience in the "cosmic realm."
Were your thoughts speeded up?
Incredibly fast
Did time seem to speed up or slow down?
Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning, Time did not exist at all. Not even a concept.
Were your senses more vivid than usual?
Incredibly more vivid
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience
Everyday vision is like tunnel vision. What I experienced during my NDE was like panoramic vision - all-directional.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience
Hearing during my NDE and everyday hearing are two very different forms of "hearing." Hearing during the NDE felt more like knowing intuitively.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere?
No
Did you pass into or through a tunnel?
No
Did you see any beings in your experience?
No
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings?
No
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light?
A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an unearthly light?
Yes, I described this in my recounting of the experience, but there were colors (in a cosmic realm, so darkness) not of this world. They were bright, undulating, like plasmic energy. I recall that they were gorgeous and reminiscent of blues and pinks, but they were absolutely nothing I have seen in the physical or observable universe. I do not think they are perceptible, at least not to human eyes.
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?
A clearly mystical or unearthly realm, The "cosmic realm" - if that counts?
What emotions did you feel during the experience?
Peace, love, compassion, acceptance, awe
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness?
Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy?
Incredible Joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe?
I felt united or one with the world
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?
Everything about the universe, What I understood was that there is not one grain of sand on any beach on any planet, in any solar system, in any galaxy that is out of place. Everything is exactly as it is supposed to be.
Did scenes from your past come back to you?
No
Did scenes from the future come to you?
No
Did you come to a border or point of no return?
No
God, Spiritual and Religion
What was your religion prior to your experience?
Unaffiliated- Agnostic, Raised Protestant Christian. Renounced organized religion in my mid-twenties.
Have your religious practices changed since your experience?
Yes, I have become less dogmatic and more philosophical. Less attracted to doctrine and ritual and more aligned with actually living what I know to be right.
What is your religion now?
Other or several faiths, Buddhist-Taoist (Daoist) hybrid.
Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs?
Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience, Having been raised Protestant Christian, no, my experience was absolutely inconsistent with what I was taught the first two decades of my life. If God is love, then that's the only consistency. Otherwise, none.
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience?
Yes, I believe compassion and love toward all life is the way. I didn't feel that before my experience, but I now know it and feel it. Also, religion or faith doesn't matter—they're all paths that try to guide us to the same place. Choose the one that feels right for you, which is why I consider myself a Buddhist-Taoist hybrid. Both encourage experience and neither demand blind faith. Buddhism says, "Don't take my word for it! Go, test it for yourself!" Taoism says, "The Tao that can be named is not the eternal Tao… the Tao flows in all directions. It loves and nourishes all things, but does not lord it over them, and when merits are accomplished, it lays no claim to them." Neither demand strict adherence; they're more like philosophies than religions, more like guidelines written in sand than rules etched in stone. Both are compassion-based, respect-for-all-life oriented, and centered around love.
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice?
No
Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc?)
No
During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence?
Uncertain, I referred to it as knowing I was "home," so in a sense, to be back home implies I've already been there. I'm uncertain.
During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness?
Yes, Yes, I felt a sense of oneness with all there ever was, is, and will be. It was a knowing, an interconnectedness of all life that transcends this physical realm. The glue that holds it all together is love.
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose?
No
During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life?
Uncertain, Only that our experience of life as perceived with the human senses is a gift and we shouldn't take it for granted. Every moment matters. Every life matters. Love is all that matters.
During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife?
Yes, As I stated in my account, I felt as though I had returned to the place from which I came before birth and to which we all return. No doubt.
Did you gain information about how to live our lives?
Yes, Life and death may seem to be a form of duality, but they're simply two sides of the same coin and are interdependent and are, therefore, a form of non-duality. There is absolutely no reason to fear death.
During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships?
Yes, Yes, I understood that to be human implies suffering. Carrying around this human vessel is suffering. But also that it's worth it because what comes after is really inexplicable. I could use words to try and make it make sense, but vocabulary, no matter which language we use, can't and won't ever do it justice or truly describe it.
During your experience, did you gain information about love?
Yes, Love is all that matters. Love is the binding force, the undercurrent, that allows for life. Love is all that matters. That's the message I received.
What life changes occurred in your life after your experience?
I had a difficult time with the questions about "God." How are we defining "God?" If we define God as "something bigger than ourselves," then yes, I would say that God exists. But if God is defined as some anthropomorphized "being," then no, I don't believe God exists that way. God equals love, as a force, not a being. Nearly every aspect of my life changed after my experience. I don't even identify with the person I was before, and that's for the better, to be sure. Everything changed. It rippled through my entire life.
Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?
Yes, I love more deeply. I appreciate more fully. I'm much less quick to judge, more understanding, and more accepting. I'm very compassionate toward all life. All of those things have positively affected most of my relationships.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words?
Yes, How can I explain colors that do not exist in the physical world? How can I explain the feeling of floating in a cosmic realm? These are merely words that come close to expressing what I experienced, but words will never be able to express the reality of the experience.
How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience?
I do not know how my remembrance of the experience compares to my remembrance of other life events that occurred around the time of the experience, I remember the experience more accurately than any life events that occurred after, but about as accurately as events that occurred before, even though I felt disconnected from them.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience?
No
Have you ever shared this experience with others?
Yes
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?
No
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened?
Experience was probably real, I went through a long period of seriously questioning my sanity. I know I've said that more than a couple times now, but it took some time for me to come to terms with the fact that what I experienced was real and that I wasn't insane. I had no prior knowledge of this phenomenon, so I felt crazy. And culturally, I had absolutely zero context for it or how to make sense of it. It was a long process of coming to accept my experience as real.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now?
Experience was definitely real, Knowing now that others have had this experience and that my experience shares many core themes with others' accounts made it easier to accept as that definitely happened.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience?
No
Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?
Yes, Quite thoroughly.