Vanessa S

I had been diagnosed with my first ectopic pregnancy after several weeks of bleeding and severe cramps. I asked my surgeon if I could fly to a better hospital. He said, "No, this is an emergency." I asked if he could save the fetus. He told me that he could not do so , because of the fragility of the fallopian tube. As I was given anesthesia, my surgeon walked to a neighboring room to wash and prepare. I was aware that I could no longer open my eyes. My hearing remained, despite being affected. I was aware that my surgeon came back and was speaking to the nurses in a muffled way. I then felt him push down on my abdomen and I panicked, telling myself that he was about to cut me so I must try to fall asleep more. I believe I went down further under anesthesia at that point. After some time, I woke up with excruciating pain. I wanted to scream, but I could not. I told myself, "It can't get worse." Then it did get worse and I lost consciousness. This is when I began to have my experience. My first sensation was that I was traveling very quickly through a dark void of space. There was a beautiful white light far ahead. I was not afraid. I was in awe of the vastness and beauty of the space. I then looked down at my chest and realized that there was only space where my chest should have been. I told myself, "I am like an egg!" I then saw a small light ahead of me that was also traveling toward the light. I knew it was my baby because I heard it say, "Save me!" I felt great distress and tried to explain that I could not save it and that I was so sorry. I then remembered the love I have for my husband and that he needed me. I managed to turn around and felt a very strong wind or force that pushed against me. I remember pushing with all my strength for a while to get back. The next thing I experienced was being lifted onto my bed after the surgery by nurses. I could hear my husband's muffled voice as he assisted them. When my surgeon visited me the next day, I told him that I was aware when he was about to start his incision and suggested he may want to wait a little longer for the anesthesia to take effect. He said, "I'm sorry about that. The surgery was a success, though there were moments when you were definitely fighting on the table." About five years later, I had another experience where I felt I was able to see and speak to my deceased child. I had been wishing for another baby, and my husband had recently taught me a special prayer for the blessing of children that I could repeat on my prayer beads. My husband was away on a conference trip. After a long day of teaching, I lay on my bed exhausted. But something told me to get up and do my last prayer. I performed ablution and then prayed on my prayer mat beside my bed. After the prayer, I performed the additional prayer using my beads. Then I laid the beads down and just sat on my bended knees, looking at my palms. Suddenly, I felt something was in my room. Fearing a thief, I looked up at my bedroom door and saw that it was still closed. I laughed at my fear and decided to meditate once more, looking at my open hands. I then got an overwhelming sensation that I was not alone, and I looked up and saw an oval-shaped blackness appear in front of me, covering part of the door, which was still closed. I could still see my bed on the right and closet on the left. A bedside lamp was also still visible near my bed. The oval had a soft edge but completely covered part of the door, about two feet across. I stared at it and saw a beautiful white light appear at the left of the oval. Then I clearly saw a robed figure walking toward me, holding the hand of a child. They were both silhouetted against the bright light, so I could not see their facial features. They took several steps along a path and then stopped. The path had ended, and there was a dark abyss separating my reality from where they stood. I knew I could not cross over. I began shaking and crying, overwhelmed by the image. I could only look down at my hands. I felt deeply that the child was the baby I had lost and that he needed me to speak to him. Through tears, I tried to tell him that I wished I could have saved him. I described what a good man his father has been and how he tries to help people in his work. I was so overcome, I found it hard to look up. But when I did, I saw the clearest image. The adult figure turned and gently put his hand on the child's back, then they both walked toward the light. Very quickly the black oval faded away and left only my door. I cried very hard and tried to bring them back. I then sat on my bed and wrote everything down so that I could share my experience with my husband and my parents. I know that I was not dreaming, and the experience comforted me greatly, knowing that my child had a loving guardian. It also took away any fear of death that I may have had.