Harley J
STE
Greyson Scale: 12
#33271
Experience Description
I am a field biologist who has always wondered what the point of existence is. I became a biologist because it just made sense to me to choose a profession where I would work outside. I just viewed ourselves as "naked apes." I have always been searching for the why, even though I was an atheist and my story at the time was that there was no point, that we just lived and died. I was a pretty heavy drinker when I was younger but always in a celebratory setting. As my brother is fond of saying, we drink to remember, not to forget. My brother and I had just gotten back from a trip to Belize that left me completely energized and inspired; especially the part of the trip that took us to the Mayan ruins of Tikal. We took a side trip into Guatemala to see the ruins. Being surrounded by the most amazing jungle I have ever been in and all the while exploring such a fascinating ancient civilization did amazing things for my soul!
I was living with my brother at the time. While he was away for work, I would get up and just start pacing in the hallway and writing. I wasn't sure where this ritual was heading, but it felt so good I just gave myself over to the process. When I would go to bed, I would often have something on my mind that was bothering me. Then, I would have a dream that would address it, either symbolically or directly. Then, I would wake up refreshed and feel like I had resolved whatever was bothering me.
So I spent a couple of days just pacing and writing. During this time I was having flashes of different conversations and experiences I had during my life. (this is the part that feels so in line with an NDE) I realized that everywhere I have ever been was right where I needed to be. This continued on until one day I wrote the word "love" and just collapsed on the ground and wept. I wept the most joyous, cathartic tears I have ever wept. After that I could see energy as a type of white haze around trees, fruits, and veggies. It was no doubt a manic episode, but it was accompanied by the most profound sense of peace I have ever known in my life.
My writing concluded with an equation.
Beta + Alpha = 1
(emotions + Fear) + (Confidence + Ego) = 1
where Confidence equals negative fear (-fear) and our egos also work on fear, the fear of loss of control over our emotions.
Only through Love can we dissolve our fear and our ego to live in ego-less confidence, otherwise known as Enlightenment. And I realized that our egos are the biological origin of oppression, and the only way to dissolve this oppression is through love. We're evolving as a species and in order to do this, we need to boost our confidence through kindness, participation in art, and fearlessly going after our passions as opposed to inducing fear (oppressing) others, which is the old way of gaining confidence. That emotional freedom was the ultimate form of freedom.
For what I believe was a couple of weeks I was able to live in this beautiful realization and have the most amazing connections with people where I would have a conversation with someone and a new piece of the puzzle would be revealed during our conversation. During this time I was completely sober. I wasn't drinking any alcohol or ingesting any kind of drugs or psychedelics. But of course I gradually came down the mountain and the amazing sensation wore off and I thought it was because of something I did wrong. My analytical, scientific brain kicked in and I wondered what the heck happened to me. I tried to oppress myself in order to tame my ego and this backfired spectacularly. I was so confused, scared, and lonely. This was 2003, so there weren't a lot of people talking about energy stuff and spiritual awakenings. I found the California Institute of Integral Studies online and it seemed like a perfect fit to figure out what the heck happened to me, as well as get an education in Anthropology.
Upon arriving there, I quickly found out it wasn't a safe space to discuss it as I confided in one of my professors about my experience and he said that he was sorry, he didn't believe in them. And his wife, who to this day is still the most powerful, brilliant person I have ever met, was super critical of people claiming to have spiritual awakenings to the point of ridiculing people courageous enough to say they had one. I wasn't one of those people since I felt completely shot down by her husband. But the education in post-colonial anthropology was so incredible, that I thought if anyone could prove they didn't exist, it's these people. But sadly they were so powerful and brilliant and convincing, and I was in such a vulnerable place with my spiritual awakening, that I tried to deny that it happened to me, and through this process I had what I consider a psychotic break. I was just so confused and unable to reconcile the most amazing experience of my life, with the most amazing intellectual education of my life, and I would just cry uncontrollably. I scared the heck out of my poor parents. But during grad school I met a fellow classmate who was a Jungian analyst and once a month we would meet for dream group and use our dreams as guides for healing. It remains one of the most profound experiences of my life and is one of the main reasons I was able to survive grad school.
I allowed myself to participate in a Kripalu Yoga Teacher training workshop, as well as go to Maine in the middle of winter to stay in a cabin to work through my pain. This was a particularly powerful experience that involved me working through a lot of pain and howling and making all kinds of crazy noises. Last winter I had another rather intense healing session where I made the realization that this waking life is also a dream, and when I'm able to surrender in meditation, my eyes go into what I can only explain as REM. Which makes sense from a standpoint that our dreams are a way for us to heal.
Twenty-three years is a long time to ruminate on something, especially a spiritual awakening that allowed me to live in the moment for a short, blissful time. But I have such a stubborn, analytical mind that I just continue to ask the questions over and over again of "Why me? How? What am I supposed to do?" But I am gradually getting more and more okay with it. After all, allowing a spiritual awakening to ruin me would be a terrible waste of one! But it's been a long road, and I hope me writing this might help someone else who might be struggling. As I understand it now, blending both my spiritual and intellectual teachings... This life is a dream, and our reality is partially composed of our emotional and imaginative projections. That we're in consciousness and different things come into our life as a means for us to grow and evolve, just like in our dreams. That it is too complex for even the most intellectually gifted minds to comprehend. That's why Buddhism has the mind games to help you wake up. And that you're much, much more likely to attain enlightenment by dancing than you are by reading a book. That because of our oppressive culture, white men experience a lot of emotional pain because we haven't been properly socialized to deal with our trauma, and because we have so much privilege, we end up projecting this pain and causing a ton of suffering. That the world is made up of stories.
Background Information
Gender
Male
Date NDE Occurred
4/20/2003
Near Death Experience Elements
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event?
No, Wasn't an NDE, but it's the closest thing I can think of upon researching the topic., Other (briefly specify), Super alive!
How do you consider the content of your experience?
Entirely pleasant
Did you feel separated from your body?
No
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness?
More consciousness and alertness than normal, I have struggled with depression for most of my life; that just completely dissipated during the awakening. My scattered brain and absentmindedness just washed away, leaving such a profound sense of focus, clarity, purpose, and ecstasy.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?
I would say right after I wrote the word "Love" down in my notebook.
Were your thoughts speeded up?
No
Did time seem to speed up or slow down?
No
Were your senses more vivid than usual?
More vivid than usual
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience
As I said, I could see the energy as a form of white haze around certain natural things, like a forest or fruits and vegetables.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience
My hearing seemed to be unchanged.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere?
No
Did you pass into or through a tunnel?
No
Did you see any beings in your experience?
No
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings?
No
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light?
No
Did you see an unearthly light?
No
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?
No
What emotions did you feel during the experience?
All the positive ones. I felt so infused with a sense of purpose, of confidence, happiness, contentment, calm, relaxed, curious, and light.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness?
Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy?
Incredible Joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe?
I felt united or one with the world
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?
Everything about the universe, It was just a profound understanding that everything is energy and that we're evolving as a species. That it's all connected. I had such a profound sense of peace and confidence around this.
Did scenes from your past come back to you?
It was as if I was just finally able to lower my defense mechanisms to allow things to just flow through me. And a large part of what flowed through me were my past experiences informing where my writing was going.
Did scenes from the future come to you?
No
Did you come to a border or point of no return?
No
God, Spiritual and Religion
What was your religion prior to your experience?
Unaffiliated - Atheist, Extremely dogmatic atheist.
Have your religious practices changed since your experience?
Yes, I meditate now when I never used to. I'm still really confused, but less so with each passing day.
What is your religion now?
Buddhist, The experience left me with a profound understanding of the energetic and interconnected nature of existence, and when I researched it, Buddhism describes this to a T.
Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs?
Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience, Well, it completely blew the roof off of my hard-nosed atheistic beliefs! But it was in line with us being biological and cultural animals, just that we're evolving to be more peaceful and loving. It made me aware that reality is just so much more complex than I ever gave it credit for, and so much more wondrous and magical.
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience?
Yes, I consider myself a Buddhist, and I see everything as having worth, and everybody. It helped cut through my socialized racism, sexism, heterosexism, and classism.
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice?
I heard a voice I could not identify, During my initial awakening, I didn't hear a voice. But when I was in Maine and I had done some intense healing, I was talking to myself and I said, "Well, there's no going back now," and a voice I couldn't identify as mine replied, "Why would you want to?"
Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc?)
No
During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness?
Yes, Yes, that it is all energy. While I was experiencing this, I was able to have such amazing connections with people, and it was as if they were giving me answers to questions I wasn't even conscious of. I learned that we are all one and interconnected, which was an easy thing for me to understand from a biological perspective, taking the example of ecosystems and how everything relies on everything else, and understanding that it's all just one interconnected ecosystem.
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose?
Yes, That it's all just energy, and we can gain confidence without inducing fear in others. We are here to love and to go after our dreams, because when you are doing something you love, you are more prone to gain confidence through non-oppressive means.
During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life?
Yes, That we are here to figure out how to love.
During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife?
Yes, It was an understanding that consciousness is so much more complex than I previously thought, and that we just momentarily inhabit this body; our consciousness just moves on after this body expires.
Did you gain information about how to live our lives?
No
During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships?
Yes, Mainly centered around the notion that we have to learn to overcome our fears, the things that hold us back.
During your experience, did you gain information about love?
Yes, That love is a form of energy just like wind or water. It flows, and a person can be infused with love and pass it on to others.
What life changes occurred in your life after your experience?
I think the belief question is a tricky one to answer because I was very conscious of my understanding that there was no point to life, no god, and no afterlife. But if I'm being honest with myself, I actually was afraid that those things existed and that I was wrong. I was partially afraid to be wrong because of my ego, and partially afraid because a part of me believed in god, but one I was socialized to believe in, a god that judged me harshly and was going to damn me to hell. Now I understand it to be a complex thing that is way beyond comprehension but is non-judgmental and just wants you to evolve.
Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?
Yes, Yes, I have a much deeper relationship with my dad and brother now. I experienced a lot of bullying from my brother when we were younger, and I see how that has stayed with me, so I have conversations about it with him. And to his credit, he is willing to have those conversations with me. I am also now married to a beautiful person from East Kentucky, one of the poorest congressional districts in the country. I feel my experience really pulled back the curtain on privilege and suffering, and that poor people are just as smart and brilliant as anyone else. They just don't have the privilege as someone like myself from the middle class. So between my spiritual awakening and my grad school (which I attended because of my spiritual awakening), I was able to see through my toxic socialization of labeling people from that region as "hillbillies" or "rednecks" or dumb or backwards. I am also way more of a feminist because of the spiritual awakening for the same reasons.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words?
Yes, It was like nothing I have ever experienced prior or since. One of those things that you say you just have to experience. Words always fall short.
How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience?
I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience, It just completely blew me away. It was just such a powerful experience that it literally knocked me on my butt when I wrote the word 'love.' I think about it every day. I used to think about it every moment once I came down the mountain. So, I remember it so vividly.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience?
Yes, At different times, I can see the hazy energy.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you?
The fact that we're all connected and meant to experience life! Live it! Share it! Love it! Heal it!
Have you ever shared this experience with others?
Yes
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?
No
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened?
Experience was definitely real, I just experienced it as a major flush of energy running through me, and it definitely felt like enlightenment (it wasn't, it was just a taste of what's possible). It was showing me that life is way, way more complex and magical than I thought.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now?
Experience was definitely real, I now see it as a stepping stone to something bigger, to be fully emotionally free and to have complete freedom and trust in the universe. It was meant to show me what's possible, that life is a miracle, and that it's all one big miracle.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience?
Yes, When I take the time to heal, such as going to Maine, I'm able to work through a ton of pain. Colors get brighter, and I'm able to see the energy again at times. I also went to an emotional intelligence workshop, and when it was over, I had an experience of my consciousness expanding out into the cosmos.
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience?
One of the things I took away from my grad school experience is the cultural nature of pathology, and how oppressive cultures produce people that are suffering. One thing that has helped me through all of this is that we learned that paranoid schizophrenics in our culture have the same genetic makeup as shamans in indigenous cultures. I feel like I have that kind of genetic makeup, as my spiritual awakening happened at 25, around the same time paranoid schizophrenia starts to present itself. Thanks to my job as a biologist where I get to hang out in the woods and it's low stress, and my privilege in general, I have been able to survive in this culture as opposed to being unhoused, completely drugged up, or dead.
Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?
Yes, Yes, I feel like the questions come from just enough different angles to encourage telling the story in a comprehensive light, so taken together, you get a good picture.